So here we are. Two days into knowing I'm pregnant again. This is going to be a very interesting journey, no matter how long it lasts. I decided to tell a few people in my immediate family and a couple of very close friends this time, so as to not feel like we're going it alone. It feels important to have people to help talk me down this time...

And I'm realizing there's such a big difference in my own mind between being pregnant and having a baby. At this point, I wouldn't even dream of saying to myself, "I'm having a baby." Because I don't know that I am.  What I do know is that I am pregnant. And that's enough to work with right now.

Not feeling so hot, but I'm more than okay with that. Because if I feel sick, it means something's going on. And something going on is better than nothing going on. And that's all I've got at the moment...

June 19th

Today we got back from Mexico. I was sick most of the time we were there. At first I thought maybe I ate something bad. Or maybe it really WASN'T okay to drink the water at the resort. Then it all became clear.

The one month we actively AVOIDED trying to get pregnant, so as to not have to stress about it on vacation, it happened. Two tests confirmed it tonight.

Only time will tell if I'll be able to carry this pregnancy. Project Baby Cochran, take 2. My first instinct is to get my hopes up, but I'm not going to. There will be plenty of time for planning baby things in the months to come if it's to be. No need to rush into it right off the bat this time...

Throwing my hands up

In a good way.

It's been a few months and no baby so far. So after too many drinks and a minor breakdown, Caroline brought me back to sanity.

No more calculating. No more peeing on sticks. No more calendar obsessing. Being off the pill is enough trying for me at the moment. Truly, it'll happen if it is supposed to.

I'm working to keep the lid on the negative thoughts and I've stopped just short of hiding each and every one of my pregnant Facebook friends. Things are going to be okay.

Life is good. I've got a lot to give. And I don't have to have a child to give it.

So here it is.  January.  A new year.  And the month we start trying again.  We took a couple of months off (not purposefully trying), and now it's time.  And today is the day-- so sayeth the pee sticks.

Last time it took one try.  I wonder if it will happen today.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

But there's a new Peter Rabbit book in a drawer upstairs I sure would like to get out soon. 

It's been about a month and a half since the miscarriage.  Things have gotten considerably easier, I guess.  Although I do feel like I'm still in limbo.  Will it or won't it happen?  Anybody's guess is as good as mine.  My family has been incredibly supportive.  Save 2 other people, they were the only ones who knew about the whole ordeal.  And the only reason they knew is because I was crying constantly and P thought I could use some more support.  And they've been great.  Mom and dad still call to check on me, and my sister called and told me to get on the plane, I was going to California with her for a long weekend.

So we spent a few days eating REALLY good food and drinking some REALLY expensive cocktails and getting REALLY relaxing massages.  It's safe to say it's just what I needed.  Some water time away from it all.  I feel slightly more hopeful at this point than I have in the last couple of months.  So that's good.

Funny story.  I was standing in line for the bathroom at school the other day (yes, we often have to do that, even as teachers) and a fellow teacher standing next to me said, "Ashly, I just figured you'd be working on at least your second baby by now!" 

I kind of stood there in disbelief for a few seconds and then said, "Really??"  And it was more of, Really??  You have the balls to say something like that to a grown woman you know nothing about?  So I figured, Hey.  If she's gonna ask it, guess what, I'm gonna answer it.

So I sighed really big and said, Well, we've been trying for a while now, but we're having difficulty.  I lost a baby last month and I really don't know if I'll ever be able to conceive again.  And if I do, who knows if I'll be able to carry it.  I very much want to have children, but I just don't know if it's a possibility for me.

Dark skin does get red when it gets embarrassed.  Her jaw dropped.  "I"m so sorry!" she said.  "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!"  She couldn't get much more out than that.  And it didn't really matter, it was my turn for the bathroom.  I went in, shut the door, and smiled.

So.  Lesson for the day.  Don't ask a grown, married woman why she doesn't have children unless you're fully prepared for the array of answers that could possibly come your way. 

I'm doing better. Some days. Other days are not so good, I guess.

It's just that sometimes it seems like nearly every day of the week I'm somehow greeted with the news of, "Guess what! We're having a baby!"

And I want to be happy. I really, really do. But this weekend has been hard. We planned out how we were going to tell my family. Put little sonogram pictures under everybody's place mats at Thanksgiving dinner. Surprise!

But instead I was greeted with torrents and torrents of blood as my body went on its second round of let's make sure everything's properly cleaned out.

I know that's kind of brutal to hear. But just imagine going through it. At 4 a.m. When you're out of town and not at home. And completely embarrassed because you've probably ruined someone else's sheets. And there's nothing you can do about it.

But it's like I said. There are bad days and there are better days. It hit me like a sledge hammer the other day when P said, It's like I come home from work and I look at you and there's just this blankness behind your eyes. And there's nothing I can do about it. And it's weird because that's not the person I know...

That shook me. There's a time to mourn and a time to be sad. We're learning that- each in our own way. But there's also a time to let go. And I'm trying to learn the balancing act. Learn how to let that sadness go sometimes instead of clinging to it.

But this whole thing is one big learning process. And we're not giving up.

The sky looks how I feel.

It's my first day back at school.  It started out fine.  Then lunchtime rolled around.  When I was pregnant, I was always sprinting to the bathroom around that time.  Today I just sat in my chair and watch the rain pour down outside.

I know it's going to get better.  It always does.  In fact, it's gotten 100 times better since Friday.  But I'm ready to be hopeful again.  Wonder when that will happen.  Not today, I'm guessing.

But.

It's officially winter weather outside.  Cold and rainy.  And it makes me happy that I get to break out the cold weather food tonight.  So there's that.