I had a full on panic attack today about an hour before the doctor's visit. I don't know why I do these things. But it happens, still.

P reassured me we would get nothing but good news, but it didn't seem to help. I was still shaking when the nurse took my blood pressure. So yeah, it was high. But the doctor seemed to understand. I was also really happy that I picked a good doctor. I did LOTS of research on this one and I think I picked a winner. He invited us into his office to talk and get to know us a little better before the exam which I thought was really cool. Except I kept thinking about SNL and the Framingham's appointment  in Dr. Beaman's office and his obsession with Beverly's Palomino. 

But our visit went considerably better than the Framingham's. Our doctor is very reassuring and encouraging- exactly what I need. Then we had the exam. And after about two seconds, there was our little peanut on the screen. Heart bright and beating wildly. P held my hand and I cried. We stared at it for a few minutes and the doctor started explaining what was what and how everything looked perfect. I'm a little earlier in my pregnancy than everyone had calculated, which doesn't surprise me. Seeing as we were actively trying to AVOID getting pregnant in May when it turns out I actually did get pregnant. *hint- Do NOT trust fertility calendars!

So baby looks wonderful and all the families have been notified. Everyone seems to be happy all around. So life is good. Now for momma just to relax and think caaaallllmmmmm non-stressful thoughts. Gotta keep the BP down. So that's the goal!

"It's going to be a good week." I spoke too soon.

I've never felt so out of control in my entire life. I think I have pregnancy induced congestion which has triggered my cluster headaches- headaches that feel like someone is stabbing you in the side of your brain right behind your eyeball with a very sharp knife for about thirty minutes, while your nose is stopped up, then it goes away and you can breathe again. I'm up to four a day so far- and that doesn't include the one or two that wake me up in the middle of the night. My body physically feels like it's falling apart, I'm not sleeping, and my hormones are in OVERDRIVE. It doesn't make for happy times. My anxiety level is at about a 1,000 over our doctor's appointment tomorrow. What's going to happen? Will there be a heartbeat? Will everything be okay? Am I even really pregnant? Maybe I'm just DYING.

I hate my brain. It never makes things easy for me. But thankfully I have the most amazing human being in the world for a husband. He took a break from studying last night and just sat with me in the living room and put his arm around me and let me cry for an hour or so while I spilled every fear I have about being pregnant and everything that goes with it.

I had a rather harrowing procedure done at the doctor's office about a year ago and P went with me to hold my hand. The doctor knows I'm pretty high strung about things that have to do with the OB/GYN situation and she was shocked- She looked at him and said, "It's amazing the calming effect you have on her." Which is why I'm SO thankful he'll be at the doctor's appointment tomorrow where the doctor will tell us if we, in fact, are about to become a family of three.

Week 8. 8 down, 32 or so to go! Honestly, I was pretty sure I wouldn't even make it this far, so I'm profoundly thankful to still have the little peanut in my belly!

Things have started easing up on the sickness front this week and THANK GOODNESS. I was seriously starting to feel bad for P having to put up with a wife that was constantly feeling ill and never wanting to leave the house. What a downer that must be. But I'm feeling a little better at this point.

The only big adjustment I'm REALLY having to get used to is the No Medication thing. You don't realize how much you take until you have to stop taking it. Well, I didn't stop taking ALL of it. Say what you want, but the acid reflux meds are non-negotiable for me. So I switched to a pregnancy friendly brand, and hopefully we'll be all good. What's really throwing me for a loop is not being able to take sinus/allergy meds. I know there's NO WAY the pseduo ephedrine in my favorite Advil Cold & Sinus Congestion medicine is good for little Cochran. So that's been REALLY hard to do without- for someone who can't breathe through her nose half the time without some sort of pharmaceautical intervention. However, there has ben ONE saving grace- Breath Right Strips. I look like a ridiculous dork walking around the house with one on, but I don't care. I CAN BREATHE!

So we have exactly one week til we go to the doc to see what's up. I'm going to enjoy this week. It'll be the last week of my pregnancy where I get to live in blissful ignorance where in my mind my blood pressure isn't an issue, my blood sugar isn't an issue, and everything is just hunky dory with no looming test results to worry about. It's gonna be a good week!

Week 7. We're smack in the middle of it and I AM the Pepto commercial. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion! Upset stomach, diarrhea!! Yep, that's me. Having ALL kinds of fun bathroom adventures... Sorry if that's TMI, but it's life right now.

We're scheduled to go to the doc in about two weeks to see what's up. See if I'm really growing a human inside me or if my entire body's just been riddled with some horrible disease that is causing all this sickness. Still not getting my hopes up too high. Just waiting to see what the doc says, then we'll adjust our hopes accordingly.

Well, here we are. Officially in week six. This was the week I miscarried last time. So far, I feel pretty hopeful about this one. But I've had my hubs and my BFF to talk me down off the ledge a few times when unfamiliar pains come along and scare me.

I've never been so tired in my life. I feel like I don't want to do anything but sleep all day every day. And my digestive tract has never been so thrown for a loop in my life. It doesn't know what's going on and seems to be VERY verbal with its displeasure. So I'm trying to adjust. I'm just so thankful that I literally got pregnant the very last week of school so I have the entire summer to do nothing but relax and let my body do what it needs to do try to grow this baby. Still crossing my fingers and feeling slightly more hopeful. Thinking about making a doctor's appointment soon.

We shall see...

It's hard not to get my hopes up. Paying attention to every twinge and every tiny pain. Differentiating this pregnancy from the last one that failed. I've been pretty sick for a week and today I'm starting to feel better. I wasn't even sick a day last time. To me, being sick feels like a good sign, but in my brain, I know that every pregnancy is different and being sick doesn't make you any more or less pregnant.

I am super thankful to be feeling a little bit better today though. It does wonders for the attitude! And in this situation, I'll take all the help I can get!

So here we are. Two days into knowing I'm pregnant again. This is going to be a very interesting journey, no matter how long it lasts. I decided to tell a few people in my immediate family and a couple of very close friends this time, so as to not feel like we're going it alone. It feels important to have people to help talk me down this time...

And I'm realizing there's such a big difference in my own mind between being pregnant and having a baby. At this point, I wouldn't even dream of saying to myself, "I'm having a baby." Because I don't know that I am.  What I do know is that I am pregnant. And that's enough to work with right now.

Not feeling so hot, but I'm more than okay with that. Because if I feel sick, it means something's going on. And something going on is better than nothing going on. And that's all I've got at the moment...