Today is Saturday, October 30th. Yesterday, I was six weeks pregnant. And yesterday morning, I miscarried.
I was teaching first period at school and began having cramps, just like the cramps I'd had the night before. I tried to brush them off as my uterus stretching, but they got harder. And then they went away. But they started up again during first period. I excused myself to the restroom and my fears were confirmed. Blood. It felt like I'd had the wind knocked out of me. The tears started immediately. And I couldn't breathe. I tried to compose myself and texted Mr. J, my co-teacher, and asked him if he could come sit with my class. I was miscarrying.
I think he ran from the third floor out to my portable classroom, because by the time I made it back to my classroom, he was there. I tried to compose myself in front of my kids, but the tears wouldn't stop. As hardened as I sometimes think these kids are, they are still some of the sweetest teenagers I've ever been around. I choked through, "I'm having a family emergency and need to leave. Mr. Johnson is going to be here with you." One of my girls ran up and hugged me. One of the boys said, "Quick! Somebody say something that will make her laugh!" And it did make me smile. And I'm thankful for the kindness and compassion of those first period kiddos.
I made it to the parking lot where I called P and through sobs told him it was over. The pregnancy was finished. There was blood and lots of it. He hung up and headed home to meet me. I drove slowly on the way home. It felt like I was going to pass out from hyperventilation from crying so hard and gasping to breathe.
I beat P home. And I was glad I did. I went upstairs to our bedroom, took off my shoes and pants, leaned over the bed and heaved and heaved and screamed and sobbed and tried to let it all come out of me while I was still alone. I don't know if I've ever felt such pain coming up from my core. My soul.
I was afraid this could happen. In my youth I made some very bad relationship decisions and as a result, I was not very kind to my body. And since then, I've had a couple of other issues come up related to a bad decision by one of my doctors. But for the last few months, I'd been doing all the right things. Eating right, taking vitamins, staying healthy and positive, and I hoped for the best. But in the back of my mind, I knew this was still a possibility.
But I'd spent the last few weeks feeling the baby grow in my belly. Weeks of having to pee every couple of hours. Weeks of feeling tired but loving every second of it. Weeks of feeling absolutely famished all day long and loving knowing that every time I ate, my baby was eating to-- and growing and getting stronger. Weeks of planning what the nursery would look like. I bought the baby's first book. The Tales of Benjamin Bunny. And now it was over. My body was pushing the baby out. I felt every cramp. It's the most helpless feeling I've ever felt in my life. Your body betrays you. No matter how much you plead and beg and cry, it still pushes the baby out. You're helpless to stop it. All you can do is lie there and let it happen.
It's twenty-six hours later. And the last day has been spent lying down and in P's arms. Now, more than ever, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I married the right person. He doesn't know what to say except I'm sorry. But he knows that his big, strong arms help. And he wraps me up in them and tells me to cry as long as I need to. Even when we're in bed at three in the morning and I'm crying because I've just woken up and remembered that I'm not pregnant anymore. He doesn't want to leave my side, and when he has to, he texts me to see if I'm ok.
I'm really sad. In my head I know that miscarriages are nature's way of getting rid of embryos that wouldn't be viable had they gone full term. I know medically, it was probably the best thing. But for a few weeks, I felt redeemed. I felt like maybe I wasn't ruined. Like maybe my past wouldn't define my future after all. I felt like I had won. But all that came crashing down yesterday morning. And it hurts.
But I'm not giving up. Not just yet.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Nursery Ideas
So I know it's still probably too early to be excited and thinking about these things-- but I've thrown caution straight out the window. This thing is HAPPENING. And kiddo, you're gonna need a room. So, luckily for you, you've come to the right house. You WILL have the most fabulous room in the house. I promise you this!
Clearly, I have no clue whether or not you'll be a boy or a girl, but it matters not. I have pretty traditional design taste, and generally for a nursery that doesn't include lots of baby-esque bright and primary colors. When I think of you and the place where you'll be spending lots of your first days on the planet, I want it to be a soft and comfortable and peaceful and wonderful place. So here we go. This is what I'm thinking.
Let's put crown moulding on the walls and paint the bottom half a dark khaki color. This is going to provide a nice contrast to your white crib and furniture. Lets put soft light in the room-- low wattage bulbs with dimmers and lots of lamp light. Then let's let the color in the room come from all the art on the walls-- lots of vintage illustrations of fairy tales and children's books. I'll probably put your initials, CMC, on the wall somewhere, just so you can start learning your letters early. Because, dear, you WILL be reading entire books before you start kindergarten. Trust this. Besides making sure you're healthy and happy, learning how to read and write as early as possible is a main goal for you! What we do when you're little will set you up for the rest of your life! So I promise not to slack on my end!
Anywho, back to your nursery. The little touches like drapes and throw pillows will come later once I find out if you're going to be a boy or girl. If you're a boy, I'll do a heavy solid color drape, something with a lot of texture in the fabric. If you're a girl, I'm going to do a wonderful, subtle shabby chic floral to romance-up your room. It'll go perfect with the fairy tales on the walls.
So that's that. Who's to say a pregnant lady won't abruptly change her mind and paint the whole thing a wonderful shade of ice blue? But for now, this is the plan.
Clearly, I have no clue whether or not you'll be a boy or a girl, but it matters not. I have pretty traditional design taste, and generally for a nursery that doesn't include lots of baby-esque bright and primary colors. When I think of you and the place where you'll be spending lots of your first days on the planet, I want it to be a soft and comfortable and peaceful and wonderful place. So here we go. This is what I'm thinking.
Let's put crown moulding on the walls and paint the bottom half a dark khaki color. This is going to provide a nice contrast to your white crib and furniture. Lets put soft light in the room-- low wattage bulbs with dimmers and lots of lamp light. Then let's let the color in the room come from all the art on the walls-- lots of vintage illustrations of fairy tales and children's books. I'll probably put your initials, CMC, on the wall somewhere, just so you can start learning your letters early. Because, dear, you WILL be reading entire books before you start kindergarten. Trust this. Besides making sure you're healthy and happy, learning how to read and write as early as possible is a main goal for you! What we do when you're little will set you up for the rest of your life! So I promise not to slack on my end!
Anywho, back to your nursery. The little touches like drapes and throw pillows will come later once I find out if you're going to be a boy or girl. If you're a boy, I'll do a heavy solid color drape, something with a lot of texture in the fabric. If you're a girl, I'm going to do a wonderful, subtle shabby chic floral to romance-up your room. It'll go perfect with the fairy tales on the walls.
So that's that. Who's to say a pregnant lady won't abruptly change her mind and paint the whole thing a wonderful shade of ice blue? But for now, this is the plan.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Ready or Not...
Here you come!
Hi, baby. Today is Monday, October 18th, 2010. I found out for the first time just a few hours ago that you are, in fact, growing in my belly. I think I still might be in a little bit of shock, but I really am excited. And hopeful. And anxious. And nervous as all get out! And oh-so-happy and thankful!
Your dad and I decided a couple of months ago that even though we didn't feel like we'd ever be fully ready to have a child (because how can you ever really prepare for that), that now was probably as good a time as any to start trying for you! And two months later, here you are- already growing and on your way.
Right off the bat, I want you to know that you were planned for and wanted and of course, already very much loved. Growing up you'll learn that sometimes you make some really bone-headed decisions that produce negative results in your life. But hopefully you'll learn that you can take something positive away from every negative situation, and you'll learn to make better decisions and you'll see the positive results in your life. I've made some bad decisions in my life, but I've also made some really, really good ones. The first good decision I made was to value my education and jump head first into college. I followed my passion and loved every minute of my college experience. I want that for you too. Education will help you become the best person you can be and will open doors you never dreamed imaginable. Secondly, another stellar decision I made was marrying your dad. He's shown me what unconditional love really is. And he's constantly pushing me to do more, be more, and follow my dreams. He's probably the most unselfish person I've ever met. He pursues his dreams passionately and also encourages me to do the same. He'll do the same thing with you. So just expect it. And it's my decision to marry your dad that has led me to this moment, where I'm committing to you.
I've never done this mom thing before, but I promise you I will do the absolute best job humanly possibly for me to do. I know it's not always going to be easy (for both of us), but I want you to know that even from two days ago, when I first felt you physically attach to my body-- yes, I knew the exact moment it happened-- I loved you for exactly who you are going to be. I'm going to do everything possible to make our home a safe place for you. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I want you to know that I want home to be your soft place to fall. Where you can be specifically the person you are and want to be. I want to guide you in the right direction, and of course, I'll always hope you make good decisions. But when you don't, please know that no matter what, I will still love you. I will still be your mom. And you will still have a soft place to fall.
So we're doing this together. You're gonna be new at life and I'm gonna be new at being your mom. I'm ready to learn. And you're going to do just great. I know it. :)
Love,
Mom
(I'm thinking I'll get used to calling myself that some time in the future.)
Hi, baby. Today is Monday, October 18th, 2010. I found out for the first time just a few hours ago that you are, in fact, growing in my belly. I think I still might be in a little bit of shock, but I really am excited. And hopeful. And anxious. And nervous as all get out! And oh-so-happy and thankful!
Your dad and I decided a couple of months ago that even though we didn't feel like we'd ever be fully ready to have a child (because how can you ever really prepare for that), that now was probably as good a time as any to start trying for you! And two months later, here you are- already growing and on your way.
Right off the bat, I want you to know that you were planned for and wanted and of course, already very much loved. Growing up you'll learn that sometimes you make some really bone-headed decisions that produce negative results in your life. But hopefully you'll learn that you can take something positive away from every negative situation, and you'll learn to make better decisions and you'll see the positive results in your life. I've made some bad decisions in my life, but I've also made some really, really good ones. The first good decision I made was to value my education and jump head first into college. I followed my passion and loved every minute of my college experience. I want that for you too. Education will help you become the best person you can be and will open doors you never dreamed imaginable. Secondly, another stellar decision I made was marrying your dad. He's shown me what unconditional love really is. And he's constantly pushing me to do more, be more, and follow my dreams. He's probably the most unselfish person I've ever met. He pursues his dreams passionately and also encourages me to do the same. He'll do the same thing with you. So just expect it. And it's my decision to marry your dad that has led me to this moment, where I'm committing to you.
I've never done this mom thing before, but I promise you I will do the absolute best job humanly possibly for me to do. I know it's not always going to be easy (for both of us), but I want you to know that even from two days ago, when I first felt you physically attach to my body-- yes, I knew the exact moment it happened-- I loved you for exactly who you are going to be. I'm going to do everything possible to make our home a safe place for you. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I want you to know that I want home to be your soft place to fall. Where you can be specifically the person you are and want to be. I want to guide you in the right direction, and of course, I'll always hope you make good decisions. But when you don't, please know that no matter what, I will still love you. I will still be your mom. And you will still have a soft place to fall.
So we're doing this together. You're gonna be new at life and I'm gonna be new at being your mom. I'm ready to learn. And you're going to do just great. I know it. :)
Love,
Mom
(I'm thinking I'll get used to calling myself that some time in the future.)
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